That Troublesome Constitution

It always does my heart good to find folks who, go out of their way to be helpful. How about you? I’m reminded of a friend I had in the Navy. The old boy was from Deer Park, Minnesota, and it was his twenty first birthday. He wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box. In fact, I imagine he would never have made it to the box in the first place.

A group of us decided to take him out to indulge in a little legal drinking. After all, the better than thou’s, had already been helping him for three years, allowing him the possibility of dying for his country, but not allowing him to drink in it. See, people will be helpful at the cost of your freedom, as often as you allow them to. We spent the night exercising his newly acquired freedom in great depth. At some point, he stepped outside to get a little air.

While stumbling around outside, something across the road, caught his attention. He stepped from the curb, only the Old Milwaukee sharing his head, did not see the curb. I’ll admit it, the beer was no more helpful that the better than thou’s, had been. Stepping from a curb, while not difficult does require you be aware it’s there. His foot hit nothing. It took his mind and its half a case of buddies too long to register something was wrong.

At this point gravity became more helpful than it needed to be and he started for the street, leading with his face. Thanks gravity, why can’t you simply stick to making sure we don’t drift off of the planet? Why must you get involved in things that don’t concern you? See even gravity is pesky and will help you, to death.

This story should end here with a dead thud. But seeing as he was one of my friends, it doesn’t. This old boy wore tight jeans, and he wore jeans tighter than those worn by young girls in search of a husband. As gravity was busy making sure he did not drift off into space, he was twisting, jerking, wiggling and struggling to get his hands out of his tight pockets. Gravity won, and he crashed nose first into the streets with his hands still in his pockets. In fact, he was in the gutter squirming trying to free them, so he could get up.

His nose was broken, and he was covered in blood. Two passersby noticed him thrashing about and being helpful came to his aid. They grabbed him under his arms and helped him to his feet.

“Are you Okay?” The actual words were probably not that helpful.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Good.”

One of them punched him in his already broken nose as the other was helpful enough to dig his wallet from his tight back pocket. Again he found himself in the gutter. His pants continued to keep his hands warm, just being helpful. It was then that the police arrived. He had no ID or money, and the crooks had only been gone for moments. The police decided they would help him by giving him a warm place to sleep. He decided he needed to verbally thank them for all the help they were not giving.

They did not appreciate his thanks and cuffing him threw him in their back floorboard. They proceeded to drive around all night. Then they decided to be more helpful and not arrest him. They did, however, lock him up for two weeks, keeping no records of it. This made him AWOL which inspired Uncle Sam to be helpful and take away his rank and privileges. I’m telling you, being helpful is catchin.

So now let’s get to the moral of this story. We can barely survive today with all the help we get from our government. They tried to censor the internet recently, and the country screamed in protest. Censorship is simply the people who know everything, bending the rest of us to their will. People who know that whatever they do, is inherently right and what others do is inherently wrong. I’m glad that didn’t pass, considering so many wars have been fought, by us wrong people to protect the few right ones.

Remember we fought the British to protect freedom of speech and other things? Remember banned in Boston? Censorship is simply an attempt to help us understand that the Constitution is ill defined and apparently, wrong. Paypal has become the latest in a long line of companies and people, who know what we as Americans, should and should not read. They are forcing any company online, who sells books, to remove books they deem inappropriate, or they will no longer allow them to conduct business. We should thank them; with their being so helpful who needs that pesky constitution.

Deeper Levels of Fear

Once I was a young redneck. The biggest fear I held was someone pulling a gun on me. I came to understand the same gun in the hands of an idiot was more fearful.

Put the same gun in the hands of a woman and the fear deepens. As men have never figured out what a woman is thinking, one can never be sure what one might do with a loaded firearm. No offence intended, but just look at all the troubled one caused with an apple. The most dangerous situation involving a gun is if the person holding it is more scared than you are. Fear is a terrible thing in the hands of the untrained.

As I became a middle aged redneck, I found that a gun was not the worst thing you could encounter. I went to complain to a man about his son bullying mine. It turned out the father was the inspiration for his son’s behavior. When words won’t do, knuckles might, I cracking the father on the nose. He opened the door and sicked his pit bull on me. I’m not proud of it, but the poor dog who was merely a reflection of his idiot master and son, did not win.

As life has passed, I have seen many reports where idiots have sicked viscous animals on people. For things like complaining about the noise or smell of fifteen dogs in the apartment next door. Usually those with such animals are simply scared and use them similarly to a gun or knife. Many people die or are maimed because an idiot isn’t as smart as the gun or animal he owns.

Is it hard to handle when a dog escapes and kills your foo foo dog in your yard. The police arrive to inform you, they can do nothing as you have no proof. For some reason, witnesses hold no weight in such situations. This happened in a neighborhood I lived in many years ago. It had happened three times before, and the police had done nothing. Everyone in the neighborhood knew a child would eventually be mauled.

I came home one morning, having forgotten something, to see the dog in a friend’s fenced in yard, killing his dog. As soon as I drove in his direction, the dog headed home and jumped his fence. When its owner came home, it was his turn to figure out what happened to his dog, in its yard. Sorry, problem solved.

Then I watched a movie last week about exotic pets and my fears took on a whole new level of intensity. There are more large cats in captivity in Texas alone than in India where they belong. Why would you own something that sees the equivalent of steak when it looks at you?

The worst part of this is that many who own them are no more responsible that those who own mean dogs. Do you want a 500 pound Lion living next door with the idiot who loves there already? Too late they already do. They live next door in cages. Your safety and the safety of your children depends on the ingenuity of someone who repairs his car with duct tape and bailing wire.

Worse than that, it may be someone who doesn’t have the sense to own a gun or knife much less a mean dog or large cat. People wonder why the government wants gun control. I don’t believe in it. Still, I must wonder about those who are scary without one, owning one. I might dodge a bullet and believe I have a chance against a gun. I have proved I am smarter than a dog on several occasions, but must not kid myself and believe I can fight something which thinks I’m a Jimmy dean sausage and weighs over 500 pounds. Just what I want, is a dumb neighbor to turn his Panther lose on me. Simply because I insulted his wife by being polite to her at the mailbox.

After all, it’s cheaper to turn a dog or cat loose on someone, than to use a shotgun shell you may need to kill a deer. Imagine showing up at the dentist and not having a shell to kill him with if he causes you pain, while pulling one of your three teeth.

As this is written, the entire population of small animals, in the Everglades has been wiped from the earth by pet Burmese Pythons that have been released. They estimate there are over 300,000 already living there. They are already attacking and killing humans to include children and once all food is gone it will get worse. The Alligators don’t have a chance.

You can outsmart the smart, but the ignorant will defeat you. Those who advocate owning such animals say fear is the only reason people want them banned. Duh, naw, you think?

Valentine's Embarrassment

Once I thought I understood embarrassment. I thought it started as it always does, with the phrase, Hey Ya’ll Watch This. The other place you might find yourself in a potentially embarrassing situation is at mediocre restaurants. I’ve never had anyone sing happy birthday to me in an expensive one. At the cheaper ones they hardly notice you’re there in the first place and certainly ain’t about to care if it’s your birthday. But the ones that are just affordable enough to be special will get you every time.
You know the ones I’m talking about, they have yummy food, which doesn’t require a payment plan to afford. They all have those baby back ribs with sauces with names like, sweet, sassy and sassafrasy ribs. Been down to the creek, killed me a hog and slathered him in sugar water ribs and artery hardening, mouth smackin ribs. You get the idea. I don’t go to these places often I’m a broke writer and let’s face it, I’m more likely to be eatin soda crackers with ketchup on em. So when I go there, the last thing I want. Is for a bunch of young people who have no clue who I am and whom are being paid to act like they care, singing happy birthday to me as I eat.
I once thought I might die from such a thing, until yesterday. Wives mean well, but they sneak up on you sometimes. They are pretty skilled at it too. We left the house my wife’s behavior indicated I was being sneaked up on. I imagined ribs or a Chinese buffet at the worst. I was still unaware as we parked; no, scratch that, as I parked. A respectable woman and Mary Carmen is a respectable woman, can arrange things in a way which allows you lead yourself to slaughter.
We got out and headed toward several of our favorite restaurants in a strip mall near the house. Suddenly she tugged me to a stop. We were standing in front of one of those nail salons. I always wondered how someone cold stay in business by doing nothing but nails. However, I never intended to find out. She had skillfully delivered me right to the door of one; I was skillfully trying to avoid going any further. I have lived fifty-one years without a pedicure and was not figuring on breaking a perfect record.
She spoke sweetly and coaxed me with soft, comforting words. A gaggle of pretty Vietnamese women stood inside, possibly placing bets on the outcome of our exchange. She explained that this was my Valentine's present which made escaping impossible. After only a few minutes, she realized sweet wasn’t working and started to toughen up a bit. I had already lost but was unaware of it.
Giving up, I entered and began an hour long blush more suitable for a bride from before the turn of the century. I was lucky I had just taken a shower and put on clean socks, half the time I don’t even wear socks. I sat down, and my chair started to vibrate. I was trying to relax. A sweet young girl sat down and started on my feet. I could see the look of concern on her face. After all, they closed in less than four hours and Valentines was less than a week away. She spoke to the other women in alarming tones, but when she addressed me in English she was sweet and cordial.
She dug, and she burned, then burned and dug. She wore out a pair of sturdy wire cutters, broke three hack saw blades and dulled three scalpels. She was sweating like she was diggin up taters. Eventually an older woman, more experienced no doubt, came from the back room with a gas powered set of toe nail clippers. They were old, rusty and smelled of two cycle oil. Other customers came and went as the girl worked trying to trim nails and the pads on my feet. I was glad we weren’t payin her by the pound.
Eventually she collapsed and was relieved by another woman with more stamina. She mumbled incoherently as the replacement placed her out of the way, before beginning. Poor girl may have nightmares for years.
By the time, it was done they had applied acid, paint striper, marine jelly and more creams and ointments than you can buy at wall-Mart. But I had to admit my feet felt amazing. They feel fabulous today, but today I am a smarter man. The next time my wife lets me drive and doesn’t tell me exactly where we’re going, I’m staying at home and having those crackers and ketchup. So men let me warn you. If your wife is ambiguous on Valentines, you are probably not about to get, Fat Macks, slap yo mama in the mouth ribs. Run and or hide.

Elephant in the Living Room

The UGA student group Speak Out For Species kicked off its Animal Voices Film Festival Monday night at the Miller Learning Center. The film "Elephant In Living Room" was the first of four movies which will be shown in February.

It will be followed by "A Fall From Freedom, on February 13^th," "Forks Over Knives," on February 20^th and "Madonna of The Mills," on February 27^th.

"Elephant In Living Room" speaks to the growing problems caused by Americans and their infatuation with exotic animals. It follows Oakwood, Ohio, animal control officer Tim Harrison, who at one time kept and loved large cats, but abandoned them after a friend was attacked and killed.

It also chronicles the life of Terry Brumfield. who struggles to care for two lions, which eventually mate and produce three more. The two men become intertwined after Terry’s male lion escapes and is found attaching cars on the highway.

Harrison walks the movie goers through the sickening reality of the exotic pet trade, a trade which continues to sell animals which are not only dangerous, but that quickly outgrow the capabilities of those who buy them to care for them. Zoos and rescue agencies across the country are filled to capacity. Many owners release such pets when they can no longer control them or their fear becomes too strong.

There are more injuries here from African snakes and other animals than there are in Africa. Africans see these animals for what they are, somehow Americans see them as cuddly toys.

“In the '80's I would get five or six calls a year, but that number is now in the hundreds and growing out of control,” Harrison said.

There are now more tigers in captivity in Texas than in all of India. Studies show there are 7.3 million reptiles in American homes. Over 15,000 wild cats now live in America and could be in the home next door. These cats can and do kill.

Harrison visits an exotic swap meet in Pennsylvania and secretly tapes dozens of the most venomous snake of the world as they are sold, as pets. Most being stored in cheap Tupperware with the lids being held on with tape. One of the most shocking pieces of video shows one man buying a 10 foot Python for his five-year-old son. The snake outweighs the child.

Harrison finds a Puff Adder, the most venomous snake in the world, and buys it to remove it from the market, donating it to a medical research facility. In another instance, he is called to a home in Ohio where two young boys have been playing with a snake found in the yard all afternoon. It turns out to be an African Viper, also one of the most deadly in the world.

Although poisonous snakes hold high risks, non-poisonous ones hold their own danger. It is estimated that over 300,000 Burmese Pythons are now living and thriving in the Florida Everglades. A recent study shows that there is a 99% decline in the populations of foxes, raccoons, opossums and other mammals.

During the research, no evidence was found of any rabbits and squirrels, dead or alive. The Python has now become the top of the food chain in the swamp, above the formidable alligator.

Pythons can and do kill and have killed children as well as adults in recent years. Many call for regulations to be put into place. Others continue to argue against such restrictions, demanding the right to own and possibly die, because of the animals they love.

What Uncles Are Apt To Do

While daddies will skin your hide, uncles are more apt to be the reason your hide gets skinned in the first place. It was an uncle, who first asked me for a smoke, which was his way of offering me one. A small boy choking on a cigarette must have been great entertainment. It was an uncle which gave me my first beer and even though my dad grew up running moonshine, it was an uncle who introduced me to that too.
It was uncles who taught me to hunt and fish and how important drinking and cussing were to both. It was an uncle who was drinking, who after meeting a young girl at the store, climbed out of his car into hers and told a thirteen year old to drive around and meet up with him later. His friends who were much older continued to drink and argue for the driver’s seat, leaving a thirteen year old to have a battle of wits with a carload of rednecks.
It was an uncle who took a nephew on a double date to keep a younger sister busy in the back seat while he and an older sister kept busy in the front. It was that same uncle who outdrove their daddy, later in the night as a shotgun took out the back windshield. I guess I didn’t keep the younger sister busy enough. That was the same uncle who talked us into riding Mr. Hawkins cows one night. When Mr. Hawkins awoke to find his cows distressed and being generally molested, he too, broke out a shotgun and commenced to firing at six kids in the dark. At least the uncle stayed behind and herding us out of range, received a rear end full of rock salt for his efforts.
The others refused to help, but one of my cousins and I dug salt from that rear most of the night. I was close to that uncle and that cousin for the rest of their lives. I guess digging salt mixed with screams, pain and the subsequent laughing bouts between those things are redneck forms of male bonding.
How about the uncle and his friends who decided to steal gas from State Tractors? They were much older than I. I was fifteen and on crutches and still trying to figure out how to use them. I begged to stay in the car, but my request was refused. We parked on a dirt road and approached the tractors, parked on the paved road, through the trees. Halfway through filling a five gallon can a cop drove by and we squatted, no one said a word, the cop pulled over then started backing up, my uncle yelled, “run,” and everybody did.
That was the day I learned to run on crutches. I ran as fast as I could through the planted pines, jumping dead wood and slipping on the damp straw. Halfway through the woods I watched as the rest of my outlaw gang climbed into the car and u-turning, sped away down the dirt road. After two hours of hiding in the woods as the cops drove by repeatedly, I was finally retrieved. Everyone in the car was drunk and I was the hero of the day, they’d expected to pick me up from the police station after I’d told on them.
We rode around most of the night as they drank and worked on a newer, better ideas. Later that night or more likely the next morning they got into some other foolishness and were arrested. I was asleep in the car; the cop woke me up, asked if I could drive with a cast on and sent me home to inform my grandmother about my uncle’s visit to the county jail. I didn’t even have a driver’s licenses.
Last but not least, how could we forget Uncle Wayne? Who after removing the back seat from a fifty-five Chevy, shoved a Shetland pony into it. Then after driving 150 miles they arrived at my grandparents and both were liquored up. The horses head was sticking out one window and his tail was sticking out the other, all this to deliver a drunken birthday present to my aunt. I learned that while the revenuers gave up on shine many years earlier, the members of my family never did.
For all their short comings, these are the same uncles who held me tight as I learned of tragedies, who provided shots of moonshine and appropriate toasts in the parking lots of funeral homes after unimaginable loses. Sentiments I did not provide after their passing, I’m sorry to say. I don’t remember doing many of these things for my Nieces and Nephews and don’t regret it, much, but I hope I did do the important things that only an uncle can do.

Interview with Laura Yirak

Hey, how about a warm welcome for Laura Yirak, thanks for visiting us Laura

Tell me a little about your background as a writer. When did you start writing?
I started writing in college. I took two years of creative writing with a focus on poetry.
What genres do you write in?
So far--poetry, occult, & children’s. I like variety J
What about your process? Are you a pen and paper writer? Do you need a special
location in which to write?
I write my poetry on paper and children’s books on paper, but I write my novels on the computer, usually around my house. I have a magenta room that I like to work in.
Your writing seems to involve much sadness and pain. Why is that?
My poems are romantically sad, maybe a couple are a little spooky, simply because that’s what I like to read. From what I have witnessed and experienced in life---we all suffer from time to time, some in their early years, and some---not until their last hours.
How do you want your readers to feel when they read your work?
I want them to think about the deeper meaning behind the words, or the multiple meanings in each poem--just to ponder.
Do you listen to music when you write? If so, what kind?
Yes---I wrote every poem in the melancholic to the soundtrack of Tron. It helped me focus. If you want the full experience, listen to it while you read them. Hahahaha.
And dim the lights a little.
As an independent author, what would you say is your favorite benefit of publishing your work digitally?
I’m going to quote Braveheart, “FREEEEEEEDOM!”
What–if any–would you say is the biggest challenge you face as an independent author?
Visibility. I’m getting there though. My new children’s book is in the top 100 Free books right now on Amazon. It’s exciting.
Can you talk about your writing? What books have you published (or are working on)?
Published:
Delivered to Eternity, An Alesta the Vampire Book
The Adventures of Be Boo & Dolly
Three Wee Peas
Ladybug Blue
the melancholic
Are you an animal lover? Cats, dogs, bats, or dragons?
I really love animals. I am sadly allergic. I look, but don’t touch.
In what state were you raised? Does living there influence your work? Do you set your stories there?
I was raised in Scotland. It greatly influences my work, as my first novel is set in the misty moors and the aching crags. I love it, I miss it. Sigh. Maybe some of the sadness for my poems come from there. I did write one--Ode to Scotland. I didn’t put it in my book. I wasn’t sure if it fit. Maybe I should?
Favorite rich person, favorite poor person?
Bill Gates. He does so much, but lives such an ordinary life. I’ve seen him a few times at the movie theater in downtown Seattle. WEIRD.
Mother Theresa---she’s cute.
Have you ever thrown a book across the room? Which one? Why?
Yes--all the ones I read. I just like to chuck books--get to know them a little.
Who is your favorite author (you can name one male and one female author)? Why?
Colleen McCullough. My favorite book is The Thorn Birds.
Is there a book that made you want to be a writer?
No. It was my English 101 college professor, Mr. Wicks.
Where can we find your work online? Are there paper copies available anywhere? How about audiobooks?
http://www.amazon.com/the-melancholic-ebook/dp/B0073MY0M2/
http://dreamsofdiamondsauthor.blogspot.com/
What’s next? When is it coming out?
In the works:
My psycho-thriller set on the Washington coast
Another poetry book, more nature based.
Another Three Wee Peas book.

Wow, thank you again, it's great to talk to other writers, especially when they are as interesting and talented as you are. I once lived in Seattle and remember it to be an environment rich with talent and enough inspiration to keep that talent well satisfied. I now understand the richness of your work knowing, you have an international background. We all wish you all the rewards your future contains. Good work Laura and stop by any time.