Alabama, you must of bumped your head.

Someone had the bright idea to send me to the University of Alabama for a couple months. Everyone knows you don't send a dyed in the wool Dawgs fan to enemy territory during football season. I'm sure if I think real hard I could come up with something to throw off their season.


How about starting a steroid scandal? Too late the whole campus knows the cheerleaders take them. I can hardly spell Steroids, much less know where to get them. Even if I did, I'm a writer and couldn't afford to make a steroid deal even if I knew how. If their quarterback likes girls, questionable, I could steal his and cause emotional distress. Okay maybe I can't do that one, I am a little old for that, besides I like for my women to have two distenctive family reunions to attend, twice the food.


How about stealing their mascot, I might be all over this one if their mascot was a twenty-one year old girl who only appears to be from Alabama when she takes her shoes off, you know twelve toes. I can't do that either, what would I do with her? Text, listen to some music I really never need to hear, watch her get all warm and fuzzy over a damn pocketbook poodle, Ride in some little car that hurts my knees to get into or God forbid, talk to her.

Wait their mascot is an elephant, what's that all about? I guess I can see some guy suggesting it all those years ago, but how did he get everyone to agree to it? So if I had a few hours in the locker room what could I do? Tie knots in jock straps, just clean ones though, super glue the toilet seats. How about hiding the map of the stadium in an English text book? That should cause a fuss. How about calling, leaving message for them to call their moms step brother, that might take a week or two to straighten out. Hey I know, yell, watch out there's a big chicken behind you, only problem that might scare me too.

I'm just poking a little fun at our neighbors. Truth is I love the S.E.C., that includes all the teams in it. Hell if we can't win, we need someone else to. The S.E.C. has to fight for any respect it can get, always has. The only thing I hate about the S.E.C., Steve Spurrier, so I know we got that in common. I'll be proud to be in Alabama and working on the campus of such an illustrious institution. I am glad we're not playing them this year.

I'll make a prediction here, the Tide will pull out their season and meet Spurrier and his big chickens in the championship. The outcome will be much different than last weeks. In that case I say roll Tide, but please have a flat tire when you play the Dawgs.

Arrrgggg G.P.S

We went on a 100 mile excursion around Atlanta today. We had the bright idea to use the G.P.S. About 25 miles into the trip, we took the right turn it demanded. Why can't these things sound like my girlfriend? She has a solft, warm syrupy voice; I can just imagine her as a G.P.S. voice. "Turn right Dear you're getting soooo warm, allmost there Sweetie. Please turn left here Lover." Sorry I must have dozed for a moment. Much better, right? There stood a sign, it said, bridge will be removed permently and gave a date some months prior. As we rounded the curve the bridge came up, well it didn't come up at all, it was gone. We turned around as the G.P.S. fought for control, demanding we turn around as soon as possible. Kind of like a wife would, oops that was low, sorry. The bridge was out and the machine didn't know it. Worse there was no way to explain it. We drove in one direction for a while until it got the point and retook control. We drove a few miles and ended right back where we started from. We tried to go in the other direction, after several pig paths, two driveway that connected and a pass through pic a part we arrived at the bridge out road again. Aaaarrrrrggggg. Someone needed to invent a G.P.S. that sounds like a girlfriend, not a wife and tell her that damn bridge is out on Coffee rd.

What do you call a girlfriends daughter? Humm a step friend maybe. So anyway I got this step friend and she said something last week that kind of blew me away.

Mom you are the holy grail, every time you touch him he turns to gold and pisses rainbows. Christian Simmons

I have no idea what kind of artist this 20 year old is going to be, but an artist she is. I have no idea where this came from, but it's too close to the truth. Good morning Christian, never keep something like this from the world, it means something.

So it's 5:30 and I'm driving down the road with a rainbow flowing from my truck window. If you see an old diesel truck growling down the highway Friday with multi colored sparkles coming from the windows, that would be me headed to Milledgeville to see my girl and my step friend.

A lovers prayer.
Alright God we need to talk. How is it that the week last five days and the weekend only two? For those of us that work out of town, we only get two days with the other one you created that kind of means a lot to us. If you could have made the week eight days then we could have split it out evenly. Seeing as you didn't then I think a three day week needs to be implemented, followed by a four day weekend, it only makes sense to me. What do ya say, drop me a line, have your machine talk to my machine, hit me with an e-mail. Wait it'll get caught by the spam filter, better not do that. You know considering Gods wrath and all.
I'll catch some flack about this, tough, God invented a sense of humor and gave me mine. If I can't laugh about God then what can I laugh about? I'm pretty sure he laughs at me on a daily basis.

Okay i wrote a column a few months back about buying all those poor boys who needed a belt, one. I mean it is pretty damn funny to see all those boys running around showing their drawers. For some reason I don't mind nearly as much when the girls do it. I would explain that, but if you don't get it there is nothing i can do to help you.

Anyway here's the thing, it was a damn joke. I remember prohibition, but lowhibition? Dublin Georgia, a town where my columns appear about as often as Haley's comet, just passed a law against low riding pants. How many tax payers dollars were poked into that bit of legislation?

I got stopped last week for throwing peanut hulls out on the highway. I thought fruit skins and nut hulls were exempt from the littering laws. How damn important is this? This was the first time I ever treated a police officer like he was stupid. If the Georgia Peanut Growers of Georgia gets hold of this they'll crap. I told him so. He was just smart enough to not give me a ticket.

Come on man, you can't legislate, dictate, revenue, regulate or otherwise manipulate morality. I was called a conservative ass about the story called belts for boys, last year, but this time I'll be called a bleeding heart liberal. That's why I write. Kennesaw

The truth will set you free, just after it pisses you off.

My name is Kennesaw Taylor and I write a humor column in several rural papers. It's funny how columns work. If you write for city papers, they want controversy, it helps to sell papers. If you write for rural papers, you must avoid controversy at all cost to sell papers. Lewis Grizzard was the only person I ever saw that could write it like it was and not get tared and feathered.

We in the so called liberal media get a bum wrap. If we were that damn liberal, we'd be telling the truth. After all, the truth will set you free, but it's gonna piss you off real good first. It's gonna drink your last beer, smoke your last cigarette and maybe visit your wife while you're out of town. It's no wonder nobody wants the ass hangin around.

So what I'm gonna do is kind of challenge my columns and maybe the columns of others. I'm going to try to write here, what can't be written in my columns. The crap that goes through my mind as I write that just kind of makes me go holy shit. I'm gonna write what should be between the lines.

Omg, funny that seems a lot cuter coming from the mouth of my friends 20 year old daughter. I'm hoping to stay out of trouble, but don't hold out much hope. Kennesaw