Run Forrest Run

Run Forrest Run

Kennesaw

In Dick Cheney’s book, In My Time, he discusses how hard it is to find a running mate. In fact, he was the person in charge of the committee to sift through the possible candidates. The task was so daunting that he eventually volunteered to take the job himself. It was extremely hard to find someone who could run slowly enough for George Jr. to keep up or who could carry him in a sack race. His book could have been named See Dick and Georgette Run.

What exactly is a running mate? I think George Clooney, John Turturro and Tim Blake Nelson in “O” Brother Where Art Thou, when I think of running mates. IIIIIIII am a man of constant sorrow, holy moly. Ok you may not like it, but that was pretty funny to think about.

In a recent poll, seventy-four percent of registered voters said the choice for who will run as the Veep is one of the most important decisions a potential candidate must make. If you don’t believe this, just ask John McCain or George Sr..

Isn’t the relationship between being able to see Russia from your front door and foreign policy, about like watching House and being able to do complex brain surgery with a bad attitude? Poor ole John’s book could be named, The Gomer Pile Candidate, surprise, surprise, surprise. There were more surprises in that campaign than in all the boxes of Cracker Jacks produced throughout history, and they were worth about as much. George Sr.’s book could have been named, Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?  Imagine how hard it is to run a potato sack race with someone who can’t spell potato.

Actually I will let that joke stand, but must take it back. Dan has gone on to write a nationally syndicated column and had several bestselling books, proving he can, in fact, find and spell potato.

So who will Romney pick as his running mate? He has many choices, and the rumor mill is churning to beat the band. There is Rob Portman, who is known as a boring white guy, not my words. He seems the most likely candidate, but is immersed in the political good ole boys system. This is a highly sought after quality desirable by potential presidents, but the last thing we as Americans need. Don’t we need someone who is a part of the good ole boy American public system?

Bobby Jindel is my pick. He has been referred to as the Doogie Howser candidate; it’s a sight better than the Gomer Pile candidate. He can’t even see Russia from his front door, but if you can deal with the people of Louisiana, you can deal with anyone. That is not an insult, I have friends down there, when they read this they will smile a knowing smile. If you can catch a crawdad or an alligator with a smile on your face, you have some slight chance of surviving in Washington. Mardi Gras might be exactly the kind of foreign policy experience America’s been lacking.

Tim Pawlenty and Mitt seem to be cut from the same bolt of cloth, which may disqualify him. He and Mitt can demean and talk about Obama with equal amounts of venom; America needs less venom, not more, less fighting and more cooperation. The two of them together may, in fact, doom the Republican Party’s chances of making a decent showing. I’m sure he’s qualified; we know he can box and I believe he can do a fair hundred yard dash. Is he ready for the marathon that the 2012 campaign and the following possible presidency will be?

There are a few more, Paul Ryan, Kelly Ayotte and Mario Rubio, most, less qualified than those above. Mitt could always surprise us and pick someone, not on this list. People keep liberally throwing Condolleezza Rice’s name into the mix. She has said she will never run for either the number one or two positions and she is one of the only politicians I actually believe. It’s funny, I would vote for her. It’s my guess she does not want to ruin her good name.

Whoever gets picked better be capable of running like the wind, because the Obama camp, Bain and possibly the law, are going to be on their tail from day one. As I understand it, the fact that Mitt was the Captain and made a ton at Bain is not the issue. The issue is, did he sneak into a lifeboat dressed as a woman before the ship went down.  Mitt’s possible book, Run Forrest Run, or Bain Was A Pain.

I said it in 2004 the first time I saw Obama speak, and I’ll say it again now. That my friends is your next president. We may not like it, but It’ my prediction. 

      

Mad People Are At Least Awake

Being a writer is a pretty tough gig. You develop a following as you go along, and the feedback you receive is more a measure of success than the money you receive to do it. However, you need to have skin similar to that of an elephant.

I wrote an entirely humorous piece recently about Polygamy. I expected letters about it, but was shocked that the worst of them came from women. After all, I had made fun of and insulted a system which is degrading to women and the men who perpetrate it.

I was called prejudice and misogynist, I’m not sure this word has anything to do with me, but apparently the woman who penned it, was. I was called sexist and racist, and it was explained to me that my wife is a poor mistreated woman.  I’m glad she believes she’s got it good, and she’s glad she is my only wife.

In other stories my writing, spelling, grammar and style were doubted. One commenter said, if the world was going to be hit by a meteor, she would rather die ignorant of that fact, than to find out about it from reading something I wrote.

Whatever happened to good old fashion Don Rickles type insults? I mean if you’re going to insult a person you might as well do it right. No one has said my feet stink or that I don’t love the baby Jesus or worse, the baby Jesus don’t love me. Here is the biggie; no one had talked about my dog or my mother. Seems my detractors have little imagination.

I have been recently asked to do a little political humor, and I have. I’m working my way up to it, but I’ve got distressing news for you, politics ain’t too funny. I am being called a liberal and a conservative so in so, for every piece I write. I don’t mind being a so in so, but I’m having an identity crisis. I don’t understand how this happens, or how to change it. I guess people expect you to come out kicking and screaming against one person or party and hate you if you don’t. I only call em as I see em.

Last month a reader said they hoped no one was paying me to write anything. I felt so ashamed that when the dozen or so checks arrived on the first of the month, I almost tore them up, almost sent them back, not. What I did was, cry all the way to the bank.

As long as there are pen, paper and computers, there will be idiots like me who give their opinions. Don’t take it too personal if I don’t respond to every letter. My opinion of your opinion of my opinion just seems irrelevant, sorry.

Here is the part I love. The typical knee jerk reaction when you say something that makes small mined people mad, If you don’t like America, leave it. I served my Country and have the added qualification of visiting thirty-seven others. I know some are bad, and some are good, but ours, in my opinion, is the best. This knowledge does not relieve me of the responsibility of using my free speech to rectify the ills that continue to multiply in our current political arena.

Our forefathers, stood up, spoke up and acted up to give us the right to do exactly that. How about expanding your ideas of freedom to include things that aren’t spoon fed to the ignorant? How about thinking for yourself and about things that are not all about yourself?

Each election cycle the process becomes more ridiculous or perhaps ludicrous is more apt. Yet each cycle becomes more crucial. I don’t choose the candidate, but I do continue to vote for the lesser of two evils.

Politicians were supposed to be regular Americans, farmers, butchers and Indian Chiefs. Lord don’t get me started on Indian Chiefs. Anyway, those who are allowed to be free were meant to represent us, then return to their farms when their tours were over. Then Cousin Billy Bob could go to Washington and take his turn. Being a politician was never supposed to be a profession.

The change we need is to take the decision of which candidates we get to vote for, away from the parties. Let them pick the candidates, but we should give them the list to choose from. The parties should pick one of the people the American public has already cleared for availability. The problem does not necessarily stem from the presidents, but from those who pick the presidents. The powers that be, have figured out a way to force us to vote for those who they choose. I agree the candidates are different, but they are already chosen for us before we exercise our right to vote.    

Trippin down the reaper's road with the book B4:20

The Warlocks of Washington

In this corner, the talking head from Chicago, who learned his political licks in the most corrupt city, in America. This head looks amazingly like a peanut when sporting its thinned lipped smile. His repertoire includes bat whiskers, mummified toenails and adder’s tongue.

In the other corner, the talking head from Massachusetts, who learned his political licks in the most liberal state, in America.  His head takes on the appearance of a deformed gourd when he speaks. His repertoire includes black cat fat, eye of Newt and henbane.

I defy you to see any difference between them. During the next fifty years, which is how long the campaign will seem to last, us Americans will be bored, mad and utterly confused. We will know less than we do now by the time we vote. Our confidence in our political system will be stretched, as it is every four years. Dropping the same pile of poop repeatedly does not make it true. Forget elephants and donkeys, the truth, the poop smells and looks the same no matter which bull drops it.

Barrack will spin around and bring his wand to the task of destroying the opposing warlock. Poof, a little witches bane about Bain. Ok so Mitt had more money than Solomon. Once you pass 10 million, what does it matter? Doesn’t money kind of become a non issue? Who honestly cares? You can find dirt on all of us, if there is no dirt on you; you aren’t imaginative enough to get into trouble.

Mitt spins, or maybe just his head spins. Pea soup does not spew from his mouth; remember he can afford lobster bisque. Poof, a little eye of Newt mixed with a bad economic record blasts Barack. Good lord, who said Newt is no longer influencing politics? Wait, there has been a good economic period, how did I miss that? The debt grows, our rights shrink and our frustration mounts, but it will always be the fault of the sitting president.

The political party which runs the country continues to divide and conquer. Half of you are giving each other high fives, thinking I’m talking about Republicans. The other half is snickering, and sure I’m talking about the Democrats. I’m talking about the Depublicans or Remocrats. Thanks to Nic from Pinellas Beach, Florida for those words.

As you blame one mudslinging warlock over the other for the coming months, remember the Democrats brought us the welfare state, but the Republicans brought us the IRS long before welfare needed funding. The majority of Americans undoubtedly voted for both.

The Republicans continue to decry all social systems while claiming to be protecting social security. It’s all about votes. Both parties continue to scream, throw tantrums and drop plops of poop about decreasing the size of government. Wake up people, the size of our government will shrink when they pass a decrease in pay, or when pigs fly. American politicians could supply the fertilizer needs of the entire world for the next few months.

As the wands frantically spit and spew and spells are cast, there are real issues being ignored. Why? Because doing anything could be detrimental to campaigning. Here is one of my personal pet peeves. Why do average Americans continue to call the proposed health care systems, socialized medicine? If it were socialized medicine, it would be free. Hello, this is just another example of political parties placing catch phrases and ideas in the heads of the masses. It amounts to, one for you, one for me. Pee Wee Herman should be a politician. “I know you are, but what am I?”

Obamacare and Romneycare are pretty much the same proposal. How can they talk about them? The proposals are hundreds of pages and prepared by dozens of minions. It would take a dozen high powered lawyers’ months to sort it out. It’s best to leave it alone.

I’m not arguing for or against socialized medicine or forced insurance. Although the whole socialized medicine thing, is a smoke screen designed to keep us from noticing we are being driven into the corral of the insurance industry. As all average Americans, I have made the decision many times in my life to survive without health insurance. It’s not hard to decide between five hundred bucks a month and the food it takes to feed your kids. It’s calculated gambling.

Politicians have no clue what this means. Most of them grew up with a silver syringe in their backside and then stepped from college into a place where deciding between health care, dental care and food will never be a necessity.

And these are the people who will decide our fate, marvelous. I don’t know the answer, we need to keep voting, but we as Americans must figure out a way to control the choices we have. We simply keep electing the same persons.

Dependence Day 2012

Last night we met my wife’s daughter and her friends on Collins Avenue, for a not so good dinner. The company was delightful; but the food was expensive and mediocre. Sounds like our government. Afterward we left Miami Beach, slightly tired, totally sober and dreading the fifty-five minute drive home.

Three and a half hours later we arrived. Now I’m not the brightest bulb in the box, but this extended trip had nothing to do with my inability to find my way home or any kind of time warp thingy. As we arrived on MacArthur Causeway, we were not attacked by zombies, but found ourselves trapped in, bumper to bumper traffic. It only moved at about five miles an hour when it bothered to move at all.

For over two hours, we sat in this traffic and we moved only three miles. I saw two wrecks, and at least thirty cars abandoned on the side of the road. They had probably overheated or simply run out of gas. Ellie Mae, my old car, was running on fumes, and I had an overwhelming desire to take care of that bodily function I should have taken care of before leaving the restaurant. Sorry, I had to do number one.

My wife and I enjoy our time together and spent it looking at cars and talking about what kind we might buy her. There were scattered road construction signs alongside the way, giving the impression this was actually road construction or perhaps a horrific wreck.

At the end, we found a small army of police officers who were converging three lanes down to one, then performing a sobriety check. How many people were late for work, dinners and other engagements? What would have happened if someone had gone into labor or had a heart attack? What if an eyeball eating zombie had decided to go on another rampage?

I know drunk driving is a problem, and I know it needs to be dealt with. Is this the way to do it? Must the freedom of the many, be so trampled, by the lack of responsibility of the few? Is this protect and serve or another example of fund raising in America?

I remember when there actually needed to be probable cause for your car or home to be searched. Now probable cause is more specifically described as prejudice and left up to the discretion of the officer on the scene. Common courtesy is also a thing of the past, as now anyone with a gun or some other form of civil authority can speak to you in any way they choose. Last night was a prime example of guilty until proven innocent.

I’ve been accused recently of complaining, isn’t that what all columnist do? It’s the only way we can shock the masses from their slumbering ignorance. Just because, your rights aren’t being trampled, at the moment, doesn’t mean you’re not next. I was told it serves no purpose to complain if you cannot offer solutions. If I or anyone else knew the answers, there would be no problems. Still, I’ll give it a go.

How about we start a second government, to ride shotgun over the current one? Someone needs to rein them in. Good lord that was a joke and not a particularly pleasant one. How about we destroy all the houses and build enough prisons to house everyone. If they only allow us to get out for work each day in a kind of work release program, just think of how much money could be saved. This would put an end to all our self righteous ideas about the freedom and rights we were born with. It would make things much easier for those redefining the constitution. I dare say we would become fabulous, fast friends with Russia, China, Cuba and those to the far left or right.

We have put man on the moon, how about a car that cannot be driven by a drunk person? We already have those annoying alarms.

“Please step away from the vehicle.” I hate those things. How about an alarm for those who don’t care about their own safety or the safety of others?

“Please step your ignorant, drunk rear end away from the vehicle.”

We have certainly lost so much of our personal freedom and any belief that we can make the simplest decisions on our own, that we won’t mind a car deciding if we are sober or smart enough to drive. You didn’t know I was going to add that smart enough thing in there. This part will keep the ignorant from driving and will bring DC to a standstill. This would be not far removed, from where it has been most of my life.

I’ll always remember where I was on July 4, 2012, I was on MacArthur Causeway celebrating dependence day.  

Americanism

As I start this, I know I’ll be accused of supporting one party, in fact, there is only one party. I’ll be called a communist, which I most certainly am not, by people who think exercising free speech, is communism. I’ll get several letters, chock full of political bull, explaining exactly why I’m wrong.

It’s what we do. It’s why the Germans used the Jewish to control and cremate their own people. The oppressors control the oppressed and have throughout history. The government continues to single out and figure out, those who refuse to stop struggling. Why, to impose new, regulations designed to strangle the truth out of those who dare believe in, or support the constitution.  During George Junior’s tenure as President, fifty thousand new regulations were added. It takes thousands of people and tax dollars to wade through the stockyard like, smell of it all. The idea seems to be to regulate every breath we take, every move we make. Then they can allow the chosen, to break those regulations while reserving the right to prosecute the rest of us, if we dare to.

Three of my favorite quotes.

“You see, you and I, we believe in life, but you want to fight for it, to kill for it. Even to die… for life. I only want to live it.” Any Rand

"The citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal, he is a traitor.” Mark Twain

        “First they came for the communists, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for
me and there was no one left to speak out for me.” Pastor Martin Niemöller

Two things inspired this column. The Miami Heat won the national championship. On Monday, there was a parade in their honor. Traffic was stopped for thirty square miles around the arena. The arena is located at the intersection of several interstates and turnpikes; everything was at a standstill. Any bridge with a view of the arena was covered with stopped cars, bringing the entire city of 5.5 million people to its knees. The people stopped on the bridges of the interstate, prove in some ways, that we are stupid enough to need all the regulations being passed. I’m not condemning what happened, the Heat deserved the parade.

On Tuesday President Obama appeared in Miami Beach at the Fillmore before a crowd of 2300 people. There was no traffic jam, and, in fact, I was a block away and would never have known anything of any consequence was going on, if I hadn’t been paying attention that is. There were more secret service agents and dogs than attendees. As long as the government continues to create endless, useless and mindless laws and regulations, they will continue to be afforded less regard and respect.

The second reason is two e-mails I received from seemingly intelligent and informed friends and family. The first is dozens of, before and after Obama statements. Don’t you read this stuff before you send it? Over half were wrong and I’ll only use the most idiotic one, to make my point. Before Obama, gas $1.61, after Obama, gas $4.85. Am I the only one who remembers $5.00 a gallon gas during the Bush administration?

The other is a cartoon called, Make Mine Freedom, produced in 1948. It features a tall, thin dark person who is trying to shove some form of ism, down the American public’s throats. People are claiming it’s someone’s prediction or warning about Obama. It was written by some highly educated idiot 13 years before Obama was born, give me a break.

There are hundreds of ism’s, some good, some bad and some worse. I’m tired of hearing that the welfare and health care systems belong to one party and equates to socialism. The welfare state was designed by and is a direct expression of, America’s Christian values. We are our brother’s keeper. You cannot continue to preach from one side of your mouth while complaining about programs that help the poor, from the other. You believe, or you don’t, it’s as simple as that.

I, myself believe in Americanism’s like freedom of speech. I will exercise this freedom as long as I am allowed to do so. When someone tries to shove a line of bull poopie down my throat, I will recognize the taste and spit it out. In 1957, in the book, Atlas Shrugged, Any Rand predicted our destination and we have arrived at the exact destination she predicted. Don’t act shocked at what you see, we dreamed and created it. 

 

Plundering in Paris Florida

Plundering in Paris Florida

There seems to be some confusion about Miami Beach, I’m here to clear it up. Miami Beach is a city and an island, off the coast of Florida. South Beach or Sobe is Miami Beach’s beach, AAARRRRGGGG. I’m lost and I’m sitting in Lummus Park with Sobe on one side and Ocean Drive on the other, while writing this. Ocean Drive is the year round Mardi gras which runs for fifteen blocks along Sobe. As if this isn’t enough, the area is known as, the Paris of America. I understand why, it’s similar, but the women wear less clothing and shave their legs and arm pits.

I have been here a short time, but am constantly asked for directions. I’ve had people ask me directions to South Beach while standing on Ocean Drive.

“Walk a hundred yards and you’ll fall into the Atlantic, when you get out, you’ll have magically arrived on South Beach.”

 I’ve had people ask me where Miami Beach is, while standing on South Beach in the city of Miami Beach.

“Sorry man you got off the plane at the wrong stop, Miami Beach is in St. Augustine.”

Look it’s easy really, just fly into Miami, get into a cab, mumble Ocean Drive, the cab driver is going to ask, AARRGG, what’s in your wallet, and he’s gonna expect a large portion of whatever is. Go into Wet Willie’s and order a drink they call, call-a-cab and you’ll forget to remember where you are, at all. You’ll have a great vacation, but will have a terrible time explaining exactly where you went. That last thing is going to happen if you drink or not, might as well have fun.

“I woke up with receipts in my wallet from bars on South beach, Miami Beach and Ocean Drive; I guess I went to all three places. I had a great time, I think.”

If it can been seen, it can be seen on Ocean Drive. Here you will find some of the most beautiful and not so beautiful people in the world. Like dancing bikini guy, just imagine Newt Gingrich belly dancing on the sidewalk in a bikini and you pretty much have the sick, twisted picture. He’s a fixture and has been dancing on Ocean Drive for years. Dust puffs from his thong as he undulates, but people throw him money, and he makes more than most of us, ever will.

On Ocean Drive you can sit in a five star restaurant, have steak and lobster, drink a drink named lobotomy and watch the beach and beach volley ball, all at the same time. Remember those one piece bathing suits of the twenties that caused such a scandal? Yeah, then the bikini was invented, life is good. Then came the thong, bar napkins actually contain more cloth. They cost so much, that here, you must buy a bikini in sections, fifty bucks for each piece. Back in the day, girls or guys wearing thongs would have been burned as witches. While nude sun bathing is illegal, the cops figuratively not literally look the other way, it’s pretty common.

If you’re lucky, while having a lobotomy or calling a cab, the stars, moons, and planets will align, and you’ll get to see all three, at one time. Don’t try to imagine topless beach volley ball, no good can come from it. Ocean Drive is much like visiting the Zoo, there are amazing, exotic, wild animals of every shape, size, color and gender. You don’t walk along and wonder at the caged animals, but get to become one of them, if you dare. I imagine that’s what happened to dancin bikini guy, he probably came here from Minnesota, bought a call-a-cab, a bikini and then forgot to remember, to go back to Deer Park Minnesota.

 It’s crazy to see entire families visiting South Beach. I’m sure there are things for the kiddies to do, not. The young girls are probably frightened and keep running into poles while holding their hands over their eyes. The young boy’s eyes are as big as saucers, but they too keep running into poles. Young minds can only take so much sensory impute. Both are probably terrified and scared for life, by the experience. However both will probably come back as soon as possible, without their parents for spring break, sometime in the future.

All my life I believed what Buffett said, but have found out he was wrong. There is plenty to plunder, the cannons still thunder and you can never arrive too late on Ocean Drive. Watch out what the kiddies might see, thar be pirate booty a plenty, by the sea for thee. My first mate and I love Florida, today’s column brought to you from Miami Beach, Sobe, Ocean drive and Paris, all at the same time. Life is soooooooooooo good.