Let The Bellyaching Begin

I predicted this would happen twelve years ago. For many of us, that was the first time we heard Obama speak or learned his name. I am just as much of an American as anyone, but felt all along that I had no dog in this hunt. I watched with a certain detached curiosity throughout the entire political season. I tried to remain impartial and to make fun of both candidates and the system equally. Of course, taking no discernible side makes you the enemy of both sides. Have you considered that some stay on the fence because there are vicious dogs in both yards and those dogs might be too stupid to know who to and who not to bite?

I got up this morning and prepared my coffee as usual, I then went out for a walk as it brewed. The clouds were the same colors, the wind smelled the same, and there was no mass hysteria in my neighborhood. In short, the world had not ended, and my job was still waiting for me.

All one need do, is turn on the television and voila, walla for the rest of us, you know it all. I am so glad this is over. As so many of my supposed friends have recently pointed out, I as a democrat, who has yet to vote for a democratic president, can now go back to spending all my time smoking medical marijuana, walking to the mail box to get my welfare check, once a month, and waiting for my next opportunity to vote, once every two years, so I can turn our country into some sick, twisted mix of socialism, communism and the sixties. Being a democrat is such a hard life.

As I predicted this outcome, I now predict what will happen in the next four years. Next year the deficit will be bigger and regardless of how many are out of work, those who are will still be just as hungry. Many will be employed, but will continue to work at jobs for leading corporations that do not provide adequate salaries, hours or benefits and certainly do not hold respect or concern for them. The homeless problem will continue to grow and be swept under the rug, so it doesn’t scare the rest of us. There will be over six million children abused and at least ten of those children will be beaten to death each day. Taxes, tension and what is demanded of us will continue to increase. Our rights, the American dream and peace of mind will continue to decrease.

We will continue to build prisons and continue to choke down the overworked judicial system with cases against those whose crimes are committed against themselves and, don’t forget, other frivolous lawsuits. Tell me again why we continue to elect lawyers to run our country; they seem to have done a marvelous job with everything else they got involved in. The wars on Iraq and Afghanistan may subside, but we will continue the wars on terrorism and drugs. Both are similar to fighting with mythical and illusive creatures that disappear when pursued too vigorously. Neither one weakens but strengthens with each battle.

Sorry, but all of this is a consequence of our current political shortcomings. This outcome was predestined regardless of the winner of the election. All the above mentioned problems have been marching in the same direction for as long as I can remember. In what world do we dream this will change?

So now the bellyaching begins. We have four more years to hear how awful this president is; just as we had to listen to how incompetent Bush was for the eight years before that. It’s funny, I remember listening to just as much bellyaching about Carter, Reagan, another guy named Bush and Clinton, seems to be a trend. As long as we continue to bellyache, we are not asking questions, it’s what they want and exactly what they get.

The people have spoken, and this election was far from the closely contested elections of the recent past. I urge all Americans to get over it and get busy with the reforms we so badly need. Remember that one person, the president, does not make or break this magnificent nation, but one person, you, can make a difference. Politics demands that politicians now slip into some sick form of stalemate and try everything in their power, to not accomplish, anything. Our country can no longer afford to sit by and allow this to happen, get involved in something real, instead of the smoke and mirrors of party politics. If you think the administration is weak, then use this opportunity to take back the country.

Thank God this reality television show is over, now we can go back to watching things with substance and credibility, like wrestling.     

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Never Enough Stuff

Why do we need so much stuff?  In fact, much of the stuff we think we need only serves to make us miserable. I’m perfectly happy with my two pairs of shoes and much to my wife’s dismay; I continue to wear only one of them. The other pair must sit idly by in the closet and wonder what they did.

We’ve had this discussion; my wife has about two hundred pairs of shoes. Try as she may, she cannot find a way to wear, two pair at one time. All those shoes sit in the closet and call to her, in the night, her stuff haunts her. She is the only person I know whose stuff has stuff. We moved recently, and much of our stuff was placed in storage.

So being a guy, I only imagined I had stuff to worry about. You know, things like. Is Georgia going to beat South Carolina? Or worse, Georgia lost that game, now the question has to be asked for another whole year. Was that pig’s foot, on the ground, too long to pick it up and eat it? If no one sees me pick it up, did it actually fall, at all? Sorry there are just some foods that are too good to let a little thing like touching the ground or falling on the table stop you from eating them. Peanut M&M’s, for example, macaroni and cheese or BBQ ribs. Is my beer cold enough? Is my steak hot enough and does my wife know about the two hundred bucks stashed in the garage? Does she know about the girl next door who keeps asking to go mud bogging in my truck? Will those tires get me through that mud hole or do I need to buy bigger ones?  What are the two guys names who are running for president and are either, for or against gun control? These are the true questions of life, but for a small, uncommonly cute Peruvian woman, the questions are much more complex.

When we moved, at least 196 pairs of shoes, eighteen hair brushes and dozens of coats were placed, with tons of other stuff, in storage. Poor girl has not had a decent night’s sleep ever since. When we eat dinner out, she gets a little misty, and we then have to pay a visit to the storage unit, which is out of the way, and a little too far to go at ten p.m. She must sit in the unit and console her stuff for a few minutes, trying desperately to make her stuff and herself feel better about the plight they collectively find themselves in. She pets and whispers sweet nothings to the abandoned stuff and upon returning home falls asleep with tears drying on her face. Whimpering in the night is more likely related to visions of abandoned brushes, not horrific scenes caused by too many onions at dinner or too many late night horror movies.

Recently she made a trip to D.C. To prepare for the trip a visit to the storage unit was required. Of course, the mental fall out of that trip will take weeks for her and her poor mistreated stuff to get over. She dug and picked through everything in the unit, to select one coat for the trip. As with each visit, much more than is needed returned to our already packed, little apartment. It’s kind of like going shopping, your wife picks out ten pairs of shoes, you tell her that three will do, she agrees to buy eight, but somehow checks out with twelve. You smile and pretend not to notice, simply so you may live to fight another day.

I was married to a Georgia girl before, picking a coat to make the D.C. trip would have been an easy thing after all a fur lined jean jacket goes with everything. For my wife, it was a life altering decision. She wanted to take five, for a three day trip, but ultimately settled on four. One pair of pajama’s turned into four, and several brushes, a lamp and whatever could be placed in the car, when I wasn’t looking, made the trip home, as well. Here’s the crazy part, she already has six brushes, I have one, every time she leaves the house, mine is the one that goes with her.

Stuff and the worrying over stuff causes too much stress. My poor wife tosses and turns over the mental health of her stuff and as long as some of it is relegated to live in the dungeon at the public storage building, she will continue to have nightmares. We will continue to make visits at odd hours to comfort its contents. I’m not sure her stuff feels any better after our visit, but she does and after all isn’t that what counts?    

 

 

A political Storm

A Political Storm

Forecasters believe that Sandy will wreak havoc during the upcoming presidential election. She could close down polling stations; create massive power outages, keeping thousands from voting, and causing a myriad of problems tallying the votes that are cast. In effect, she could have a massive negative impact on the election. Wow, two elections back to back, the last storm of this magnitude was named Sarah and she had the same effect. I predict the political storm of the 2016 election will be named Hillary.

It is no secret, I am no fan of Sarah Palin, and it pains me to defend her. The shuck and jive comment she made is another example of people wanting to be offended. From what I can find, this comment did have negative connotations in the eighteen seventies. However, in the nineteen seventies it became part of pop culture and was widely used. Saying she meant it as a racial remark is like saying groovy or cool are racial slurs. I don’t remember anyone coming out against the Bee Gee’s for the song Jive Talkin.

I am so glad that I will only have to write one more of these columns. Next week we will know whom our next president is, and we should be able to go on with the business of going on with our business. I will go back to writing funny little columns about life. Many will be just beginning the newest cycle of abuse perpetrated against whoever becomes the leader of the free world. Whoever wins will be vilified and talked about for the entire time he is charged with running our country.  I have said it before and will repeat it now. Once the election is over, and the people or the electorate have spoken, the time for partisan politics is over, and the country must stand behind whoever has won. I implore the nation to get behind the winning candidate and to make the next four years something that will make our children proud of us. Let 2012 be a turning point in our history that makes the next two hundred years our best yet.

I watched the last debate, certain that I would be as displeased as I was with the other two, but was pleasantly surprised. Both Romney and Obama were subdued and seemed genuinely concerned about our future. Both lay out road maps, which in theory, will take us in the right direction. I know from years of watching the world and its unpredictable players that the route will continue to change as we travel along, but at least they both have a plan.

There was a marked improvement in the amount of respect shown by the candidates to each other and to the moderator. Obama bombarded Romney with dozens of questions and made many statements that were left unanswered. Romney alluded to bad times, but there were several instances where he admitted to be talking about the prior administration. He also qualified several statements with, not you Mr. President, which some may see as a sign of weakness instead of an indication of the strong character he possesses. In short Romney did not go for the throat, which is what is expected during this stage of the election.

A few quotes.

“Nation building at home.” Obama. I would rather have a hot poker rammed into several sensitive areas of my body than to hear this statement again.

“I successfully ran small businesses and saved the Olympics.” Romney. I wish that when Romney stepped into a phone booth, to become superman before saving the Olympics, a garbage truck had run over the phone booth. I hope I never hear about the Olympics again.

“A military response is unacceptable.”  Romney. The only problem with this is, this statement only had merit during the election cycle and remember war is profitable to profiteers.

“Wrong and reckless.” Obama. If I hear this one more time, I’m gonna lose the expensive cheeseburger I just finished and Lord knows I cannot afford to lose food.

Romney spoke of escalating problems in the Middle East and Iran being four years closer to nuclear weapons and the fact that Israel and Palestine are no closer to peace than they were four years ago. No, say it isn’t so.

The Middle East has always been a problem and four years from now, regardless of whom wins, it will still be a problem, Iran will be four more years closer to nuclear weapons and Israel and Palestine will still be throwing rocks at each other.

“China wants the world to be free and open.” Romney.  Obama and Romney seem to both be surprised that China is cheating. Am I the only one who remembers Vietnam, Korea and Tiananmen Square?

The next four years will be tough regardless of the winner. If you walk what you talk, pray for whoever wins.

Prancing Political Peacocks

First, I write for several weekly papers and their deadlines dictate when my stories run. This may sometimes give the impression that I’m behind.

What exactly is a debate and does it actually have any merit? If you decide who to vote for by watching this farce, we are in more trouble than I imagined we were, and I have a powerful imagination backed by a wagon load of facts or more aptly a wagon load of manure.

This particular debate happened to be between Roboma and Obomney. Both were wearing suits which cost more than most of us make, in any three month period. The mediator was disrespected, and the rules of engagement were totally ignored. The questions, asked by Americans, were also passed over. Once a question was asked the candidates simply used it to segway into whatever point they wants to make, leaving the original question squirming in the gutter unanswered.

The question about gas prices proved both candidates lack of understanding for the average American’s plight. Obama turned it into an environmental issue and maybe it is. Romney turned it into one of Obama’s foremost failings, that’s sort of like blaming the gas rationing of the seventies on him. “The proof is at the pump.” Romney said. Gas pumps are similar to slot machines, or one armed bandits. Americans continue to pump in money and pull the handle, but like all other gambling establishments, the house always wins. Gas pumps are simply ticker tape ten ninety nine’s for big business, foreign investors and oil companies.

Romney promises not to raise taxes on all his friends in big business. That is a new concept never used by a politician before, be careful not to step in it. Romney promises to leave the taxes where they are on the upper class, and drop them on the middle class. What alternate reality is he living in? You can’t do both of those things. Does it truly matter? If they raise taxes on the upper class, as Obama recommends, the upper class then raises the prices of their products and the middle class pays whatever increase is imposed, in the end. To continue to say the rich pay over sixty percent of taxes is an insult to our intelligence. I still believe a flat tax is the only way to go.

“I know what a strong economy looks like.” Romney said. Where exactly did he see such an animal and why are we not treating him like all the other people who claim to have seen Sasquatch, UFO’s, Elvis and the Easter Bunny?

Both promised to get tough on China. Does that mean, as we’ve been getting tough on Iraq and Afghanistan? We cannot afford to get tough on China, neither will do it, and we better hope no one tries it in the future. China is cheating, Romney said. What, are you sure? Duh huh.

“We can’t afford another four years.” Romney said. I don’t think we can afford another four like the eight before. Romney was very sure to point out that he is no George Bush. Wait, until the debate Georgie was a hero, right? If I were Junior I would poke out my lips and then shrug and go back to trying to pound that square peg into the round hole.

Both candidates turned the question about immigration into one about classes. We want those who have skills and money to start small businesses, but not those chasing the American dream we are so proud of.

“Go after gangbangers not students.” Obama said. This was one of the best comments of the night. Romney’s take on this, seems to be, make the American dream such a nightmare that these people deport themselves because it will no longer be desirable to stay here. Where exactly do us poor Americans fit into this and what happens when our government purposely turns the American dream into a nightmare?

“The middle class is being crushed.” Romney said. This might have been the truest comment, from Romney, of the night.

 The question of gun control was answered by Romney with the idea of telling people who aren’t married they should not have babies, I’ve got an abstract mind, but even my mind could not make that trip. I got terrible news for both; a cheap hand gun and an AK both kill you just as dead.

Gun control is not the answer, we as a society must work together to stop the violence running rampant across America. Expecting the Government to do it is about as bright as expecting schools to raise our children. Child abuse, neglect, and as strange as it may seem, a severe lack of discipline for our kids, causes much of our violence, Fix the child, fix the future. How’s that for a political sound bite? No one talked about that, big surprise, they never do.

A Bike, Bag, Book, A Bunch Of Bikinis And A Bus

A Bike, Bag, Book, A Bunch Of Bikinis And A Bus

I will never forget the bus ride to Manila, Philippines, back in 1980. I was traveling the world and always tried to take public transportation as a social experiment.
There is no better way to learn about a country or to have an adventure than to ride mass transit in a place where you don’t speak the language.

The air was conditioned, but it was conditioned by the open windows and the retched musty smells coming from the humid jungle. Added to this, were those smells coming from the tightly packed mass of humanity inside the bus and the over two dozen more small brown bodies stacked on top of it. Don’t forget the half dozen chickens and the one pig which ran around underneath our feet during the entire eight hour trip, and the smells they produced, of course.

Every time the bus slowed there were vendors shoving anything you can imagine through the windows.  Getting a beer was easier than getting one in a bar and they were colder. On that bus were many young, beautiful country girls, this is a trend on buses worldwide it seems.

The subways in Tokyo were the most packed mass transit vehicles I’ve ever ridden; they were filled with short men in black suits and beautiful girls with slanted almond eyes. There were people standing at every door at every station, they were like shoe horns for people; it was their jobs to pack in, addition people after the trains were full as people.

The trip to Victoria Peak on the island of Hong Kong was so steep you could barely stand on the train, but was the most beautiful ride I ever took. There is something truly lovely about breath taking scenery when it is filtered through polluted air. The pollution mingles and mixes with the sunsets and sunrises and even with the falling dew of the morning and evening, to create uniquely amazing, unforgettable scenes.

There was the open air train somewhere in amongst the beer and some Middle Eastern country I can’t quite remember the name of. It rocked along with a mountain rising up on the left side of it and a beautiful desert on the right. The tracks were in such poor shape that it occasionally jolted so hard it threatened to jump the tracks, and when it did, dust cascaded through the air, turning the world tan for a few moments. The beer was not only for recreational purposes, but a requirement to quell the underlying fear involved in the ride.

So I realized it was costing me over seven hundred bucks to drive across Miami, to work each month. Don’t you love parking and tolls? Paying for parking is like paying the dentist to hurt you. Tolls are taxes the government doesn’t call taxes. It’s like the lottery; you can’t steal it if it isn’t there. This seems to be the mantra for governments everywhere.

I decided to relive the adventures of my youth and take the Miami-Dade transit system to save a little money. First I needed to pack a bag and grab a book, then I mounted my trusty bike and ride about ten blocks to the nearest bus stop, the furthest south western stop in the system. The trip takes about a hundred and twenty minutes, and it requires me to haul the three b’s up three escalators, down three flights of steps, from one bus to a train and then from that train to another bus, getting off at the furthest north eastern stop of the system. I get to read a lot, and it saves me over six hundred bucks a month, I’m not complaining. It actually only takes about fifteen minutes more than it did when I was driving, and there are no traffic jams to contend with.

Bike racks have replaced the pigs and chickens, and the air is conditioned. The scenery is as beautiful as any in the world, face it Miami is beautiful. There are still the smells of tightly packed people just getting off of work and the sweet icky stuff they use to hide such smells, but it ain’t bad. There are still the vendors selling anything you can imagine you want and many things you don’t want at Government Center in the heart of Miami, but I’ve outgrown wanting or needing most of their wares. There are still the homeless moving from where they don’t live to where they won’t live.

There are still more people who don’t speak English than do and young, pretty girls from all over the world. In the afternoons there are hundreds of  colorful  skimpy bikinis packed tightly with those girls, coming from the beach. Life is still an adventure and riding the Miami Public Transportation System has proven to be a good experience. Life continues to be good.

Taking Big Bird Out Back

Taking Big Bird Out Back

I want to thank the candidates for clearing up my complete misconceptions about our countries troubles and our political system. Apparently we as Americans are simply too dense to understand what is important.

Somehow I erroneously believed that our debt and particularly the part of it, we owe to China was a product of massive run away government spending, and it was Big Bird all along. I also believed it to be the result of wasteful and lavish spending by large corporations, but learned this week it is tied directly to The Cookie Monster and his affection for cookies. I am now aware that it has nothing to do with billion dollar bonuses for CEO’s or the bailouts we provide them which amounts to government subsidized perks for the rich and infamous.

I was under the impression the enormous salaries we pay the congress and senate were somehow contributing to the national debt, but it turns out that Mr. Rogers was actually the enemy. Funny I never heard Mr. Rogers speak Chinese.

I was stupid enough to believe that the insane state of the welfare system might be influencing the ongoing Chinese financing of America. Many people are already calling for welfare recipients to be drug tested before receiving benefits. Do these people understand how much such a program, if implemented, would cost? It would cost more to drug test them, than it would to simply pay the benefits. The next asinine thing I expect to see on the social media is this statement. A government study was released today which found that welfare recipients spend their days, stoned watching Big Bird and having sex, all at the same time.

     Of course, the conservatives hate NPR and their brand of political propaganda, and I don’t disagree that they are biased, but like Republicans and Democrats they are a necessary part of our system. They are also a necessary part of our educational system. Many children arrive in school without the basic knowledge needed to start school. How much worse would it be, without NPR, PBS, Big Bird and all their buddies?  Cutting funding for PBS, which is minuscule, would be like driving a stake into the heart of our educational system to stifle someone who disagrees with you politically.

I think that Romney will regret allowing this statement to escape his mouth for the rest of his short political career. I’m not saying I think Obama should win, I’m saying he will win.

The worst part of this and the part no one wants to admit to. The average American does not understand taxes. Many believe them to be some sort of government savings account and treat them as such. Many wait with crossed fingers for their yearly refund hoping it will buy them the car they need or pay for a family vacation. Most people listen to the horror stories about SSI and pray for its future, but have little understanding of it. The health care system is so complicated that many who have insurance would rather pay than try to wade through the muddy complicated waters involved in filing the paperwork.

Americans pay for insurance, but the system is so complicated and mired with false claim rejections that it can hardly be used by anyone without a degree. That will be the next prominent American rip off and lie, you’ll need a degree to file or sell insurance which will drive the costs even higher. Doctor’s now hire people to file insurance paperwork, if they didn’t they would never get paid. If you pay for insurance, shouldn’t the company help you file and make sure your doctor get his money so you don’t end up having to pay anyway? I remember when they called this customer service.

The fact that this Big Bird thing has become a key campaign point proves everything I’ve been saying for months. All politicians are relatively the same, and all of them will talk about everything, to avoid talking about anything. A debate that cost millions and is so crucial should never be allowed to turn into a political quagmire by Big Bird. I am truly scared for America. 

My point is this, Americans may not understand the above overly complicated systems, designed as smoke screens, to keep Americans in the dark, but they do understand Big Bird. Anyone who believes such a ludicrous idea like Big Bird is bad for America is drinking the equivalent of broccoli flavored Kool Aid and the worst part; he will convince others that it tastes yummy.  The candidate who threatens to take Big Bird out behind the barn, is the one who loses in America, sorry. The one who goes out back to stop the raised fist wins. Wait and see!!!

Dead Kitties Tell No Tales

 To see Audio Book click here

I recently received an e-mail about two teenagers microwaving a kitten to death. Once such an idea or ugly picture is engrained in your mind, it is hard to shake it. I spent several hours researching this story, in an attempt to understand what would cause two teenagers to do such a thing. I would rather believe it to be some sick case of abuse, leaving the poor teenagers so disturbed that they could not help themselves. Anything but believe that a fifteen and thirteen year old could do something so cruel on the own accord.

All my searching produced no results, it turns out the story might be a fake. However, don’t get too happy, there are dozens of such cases from all over the world.

In the UK, there is a woman who was recently jailed for 168 days for microwaving a neighbor’s cat to death. Why did she do it? Because the neighbor reported her boyfriend for physically abusing her, some people don’t deserve help. The judge helped her a little, at least he won’t be beating her for 168 days.

There are several cases of small children who are probably too young to know the difference doing it, children under the age of five or so. It seems to be a pattern that burglars are sometimes microwaving cats while burglarizing homes. Maybe reports of such things being perpetrated by deprived individuals are spurring such copy cat stupidity by teenagers. Who can argue that teenagers are inclined to do stupid things?

A lawyer in Maryland recently microwaved a kitten to death and is using alcoholism and depression as his defense. I say a little jail time might at least cure his alcoholism and the severe case of horse’s butt he’s suffering from. How big are prison microwaves? I’m just asking, don’t take it too serious.

Then you have the closest thing to reality that I could find. A fifteen and sixteen year old in Pennsylvania, placed a kitten in the microwave recently and apparently too stupid to grasp the concept of such complicated technology, threw the microwave and the kitten out a three story window. Being cruel is horrible; being cruel and stupid is simply tragic.

All this brings back one of the horrors of my childhood and one of the most horrible episodes in my book, Informally Educated, which was released as an audio book yesterday, September, 23^rd and is the true story of my growing up in an abusive household.

When I was eight, I had a kitten; I also had three younger siblings who were like stair steps. My step father Jack, had named the kitten the N word, because he was solid black and Jack was solid prejudice. The kitten had gotten into the habit of eating food left on the table overnight, biscuits covered with a rag; that sort of thing. Jack had soaked some left over hamburger patties in hot sauce, the night before. They were left on the table, to teach the kitten a lesson.

We all arrived in the kitchen together that morning, there was the kitten eating a hamburger patty. He would take a bite, and shake his head as he chewed it. Then he would bat the rest around, trying to figure out why it was burning him. He would then go for another bite. We watched for a time and soon started to giggle. It was cute, and we had not yet learned that giggling was tempting or possibly defying fate.

 Suddenly, in one bound Jack was at the table. He scooped up the kitten, wound up like a pitcher and threw him against the wall, which was only the width of the table away. We watched in horror as the kitten literally exploded and fell to the table in a pile of intestines and blood, squirming only briefly before it died.

The poor kitten died on the same plate that contained the hamburger patties. We spent the rest of a nightmarish childhood, eating at that table and never knowing with any certainty, which of us were eating off of the plate the kitten had squirmed to death on. To this day I rarely eat at the dinner table. In our home, the table, our bedrooms and Christmas mornings were the main ingredients of our lifelong nightmares.

There are many lessons learned from a kitty, and not all of them are pretty.

Free No More

I remember when free meant free, It didn’t mean, watch your wallet. I remember when dirt, water and Americans were free. Now dirt is sold in bags, water costs more than gas and big business is coming up with ways to charge us for air, an air bill, holy moly. All my life people have been paying to have pine straw removed from their yards, now people pay to have pine straw scattered in their yards. How about green stamps? You could save and don’t forget lick a gazillion green stamps and get anything in the world.

I remember when you could collect an entire set of dish or bath cloths and towels buying flour. You could collect an entire set of glasses buying jelly. I’m not sure if you were buying the jar and getting the jelly free or the other way around.

Remember a certain caramel popcorn that used to include prizes in their product? One of them was a tattoo, now all of them are tattoos. There used to be things similar to scratch off lottery tickets that you would receive for free, simply because you bought something. The government discovered how much money was in the lottery business, and those became illegal. Here is an amendment to an old saying. Don’t steal or have raffles, the government hates competition.

Nothing is free now, and the word has become the twenty first century’s newest curse word. Internet companies use it as a trap. If they want more visitors to a web page, all they need to do is tag the page with the words free and sex, it’ll get us every time. We are a nation of suckers. The only way to get anything free today is by buying a new car and paying three times its worth. Someone has to pay those people who make them, three times what the rest of us poor suckers make. Of course, that’s not entirely true either, but merely a rumor started by the bosses, to shift attention from the ridiculous salaries they make, to those sweeping the floors. If you buy a car and get a free vacation and more importantly believe that you did, you my friend will buy beach front property in Arizona.

The housing industry is in the toilet, sorry no matter what anyone says, it still is. Now the rental industry has a captive audience. The bankers, lawyers, real estate people, credit companies and finance institutions have had their way with the American public. Now it’s time for the rental industry to take its turn. The average American has no money and no credit. That means we are allowed to rent an apartment for twice what it’s worth and pay three deposits to do it. People are being forced to provide bogus documents and use others credit and income to qualify to rent. What happens when the rental industry crashes? Crap that is too insane to imagine, but it may be next. Does anyone else believe that this industry is being controlled by the same idiots who shoved high interest homes, we could not afford, down our throats?

In some places, driving is not free, the police use us as money farms, we are pulled over for the craziest stuff. Remember when even a scary dude with a gun had to have a reason to search your home or car? It’s not their fault; it’s another way for our governments to extract taxes they can’t legally steal.

How about parking? Parking has become another way for the cities to have their way with us. See, that expensive air I was talking about earlier isn’t as crazy as it seems. My car was towed in Athens last year, and ten bucks worth of yogurt cost me two hundred and sixty bucks. It was towed in Miami Beach recently, and I still believe I was parked legally and simply had the misfortune of having out of state plates. I had just written about the television shows Cops and South Beach Tow, talk about ironic.

So in the process of trying to get back my property that I had already paid for once, I taught those at Tremont Towing a few colorful words and a few others we only use in Georgia. I left with lighter pockets and my old car. The next day, South Beach Tow, called me and asked if I’d like to be on the show. On my fifty second birthday, I taped an episode of the show and it will air on trutv in November, on the fifth episode of the season. Of course, by the time we had finished shooting, I had made the star of the show so mad, she had to slam, taze and pepper spray me. Turns out, getting beat up by a girl and enjoying it on your birthday, is still free. Life is peachy.