I
wish society would quite drawing those pesky lines in the sand, because I
continue to, inadvertently cross them. Telling it like it is, is the quickest
way to get divorced, arrested, shot, maimed or to doom a presidential campaign.
People scream for the truth, demand it, but the truth is!!! “You can’t handle
the truth.” Jack Nicholson
There
comes a time in every red blooded American male’s life when he realizes that
the little boy next to him in the sand box is, in fact, a girl. At that point
toy cars, baseball card and frogs take a backseat. He knows little about them
and wants to know more. I could talk about how much he wants to love and
cherish them, how much he wants to buy them a BMW or a charming little house in
the burbs, but this is about truth, remember. He’s thinking huuummm how do I
get me one of those. He’s contemplating the secrets of life, like how to undo a
bra clasp.
He’s
heard they are different, and he wants to find out how and why, first hand. The
only information he has so far, has been gathered from boys on the playground
who know less than he does, older brothers, cousins and uncles. More than
likely all of it is wrong. He looks at her and dreams of a world without
clothing. She looks at him and dreams of
a world where boys wash their hands after wiping their noses.
Somewhere
along here a boy first hears the word polygamy. Once he understands its
meaning, well, first his eyebrows raise, he thinks huuuummmm again, boys are
deep thinkers. He can’t sleep for a week, and he immediately shifts from trying
to select one perfect specimen to imagining being allowed to select four. If
the road to truth is too much, turn around now. He is not thinking about
commitment or relationships, but has taken the world without clothing thing to
a new level in his imagination. He now hates Eve for the apple and fig leaf.
Most
boys grow out of this, some never do. After all, the Bible says it’s Ok, they point
out. There are numerous arguments designed to convince women, it’s advantageous
for them. Women will believe anything, Hugh Hefner, O.J. Simpson and that book
about Mars and Venus prove it. I’ll say it if no one else will. Polygamy is a
playground in the minds of adolescent males, Sheiks and Zealots.
Don’t
kill the messenger; remember this bubbled up in the dubious mind of a male.
Ladies feel free to comment from the female perspective as there are likely
more reasons to, not marry more than one man than they are to, not marry more
than one woman.
I
love my wife with all my heart, but can’t imagine have three more of her. When
you get over imagining a world without clothing and the possible benefits of
such a world, reality sinks in. They do not make houses with enough bathrooms
to accommodate four wives. They do not make bathroom counters or cabinets with
enough space to allow the hairbrushes, such an arrangement would require, to
live the kind of lifestyle they deserve.
Your
house would need to contain four bedrooms, four bathrooms and at least seven
closets and we must not forget, room for a comfortable couch. The reason such
situations are generally reserved for Sheiks and the like, the average man,
could never afford the toilet paper. There would be so many creams, lotions,
paints, pastes and hair products the house would be classified as a bio hazard
area. Dealing with one woman who has two hundred shoes, hairbrushes and
personalities is hard enough, multiply that by four. Imagine menopause as all
of them reach the age where they alternately burst into flames, their heads
spin around backward, and they develop seven new personalities, all of which
hate you.
I
expect headaches are contagious. If you make one mad, do you think the others
will be happy that you stayed out all night playing cards? You my friend are
sleeping on the couch. You will eat breakfast with four sets of daggers,
formally known as eyes, silently burning holes through you. The silent
treatment will be deafening.
You
might imagine not getting much sleep and all the exciting reasons for it. It
might be true in the beginning, but eventually you’ll sleep with one eye open from
fear. Sleeping in one house with four women, twelve kids, four bathrooms, PMS, PTA,
twenty knives and a poor economy is the stuff of nightmares. Bet you didn’t
consider that at twelve.
I
love my wife, all twelve of her, and I can’t imagine having thirty-six more of
them. That is the single most confusing sentence I’ve ever written and the most
mind boggling idea I’ve ever had.
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