Love in Recession

Recession hits where it hurts, at the gas pumps, on the electric bill, and in the grocery store. I think most will agree our retirement programs have taken a hard hit too. I’ve got to tell you, until talking to a friend the other day, I had no idea just what it does to love.

He said, the first thing I did was fall madly in love with the girl at the local convenience store. I figured she could sneak me a little gas, but found out she couldn’t. Suddenly I was much less fond of her and she did have that large wart, so I broke my own heart and let her go. It was the best three days of my life.

With gas getting higher, my hunting grounds shrunk considerably. I knew I’d need to settle for a drunk chick with just a few teeth, near home. I found love number two at the local fast food restaurant. It only took about a week for the manager to realize I was eating three meals a day and paying for none. I would have stayed with her except they fired her for it. I just can’t tolerate someone who is too lazy to work, so once again I lost of the love of my life.

I went to the bank looking for my next love, but every time one smiled I noticed she had all her teeth and dressed better than I did. I was out of my element, but I tried for a while. My cousin, who worked at a bank, informed me that there was no way to steal money. That ended that vein of gold, well, that and the fact that they locked me up for stalking and banned me from the bank forever. I think I’m gonna look stalking up in the dictionary, cause I still ain’t too sure what corn has to do with love or banks.

Then I had a stroke of brilliance. I dressed in my best clothes and went to a local plant, just as the whistle was blowing. Hey, lots of girls, maybe I’d get one who didn’t have a ride. I pulled up, opened the passenger door and stood there as hundreds of women came out. After they were all gone I noticed seven other guys doing the same thing and one of them was wearing a bow tie. We looked at each other shrugged our shoulders and left. I tried it for a few days then they closed the plant and moved it to Mexico. I thought about going down there, but decided the girls down there just don’t make enough money and I can’t learn to say cerveza, which is just Mexican for beer.

I tried the college women, but realized after the first day the police on campus have no sense of humor. On top of that, those young girls really aren’t capable of having an intelligent conversation with a man who has a third grade education. It’s a shame they’re so dim, they are real purty.

So I sat around the house for a few weeks until my savings and retirement ran out. Plainly stated, I sold the rusty 57-ford truck and the three old Camaro’s I had in my front yard. I still got a Rambler and an Oldsmobile in the back yard, but I figure a man can only let himself go so far.

Then it happened. I noticed the girl that lives across the road about two doors down. I’d noticed her before; in fact as a kid I would walk all the way around the block to avoid her. She has all her teeth, her hair is almost the color it was in high school and her father hasn’t shot at me in at least five years. Her brother can say cerveza in case we ever go down to Mexico, to get locked up. I tell ya, its true love, I don’t think I can live without her. She’s got the warts and she’s mean as a pole cat, but she works at Wall Mart and gets a 10 % discount.