Okay I’m no sports writer, so I’ll leave the sports columns to others. However, I’ve decided that this year I’ll write a column about every team Georgia plays. I’ll call them names, talk about their girlfriends, wives, cheerleaders, mascots and if their mothers don’t move fast enough, I might talk about them too.
I love me some Georgia football and i believe this will be a good season. Let me warn you, never fall asleep during the third quarter. When I woke up the whole world had changed. I guess Boise State showed up to play ball and they played most of it during the third quarter while I was sleeping, peacefully. Maybe it’s my fault, if I just hadn’t fell asleep, it might have ended differently.
It has been hinted at, that we as a whole, climbed from the water to pond slime and then climbed onto the land from that same pond slime. I’m not too sure I buy it, but am inclined to believe it of Idahoans. In 1972 as they were still struggling to stand erect, they discovered the potato. It has since become their state seal, state flower and state bird. The Native American Spud roams the prairie and is part of the states very existence. Realizing they had little else to get excited about, the Idahoans embraced the spud and then someone convinced them they were made of gold. Idaho gold potatoes, holy cow, it’s unbelievable.
It wasn’t long before they invented all kinds of activities centered on the potato, such as potato bowling. The state tried to replace the golf ball with a potato, but they couldn’t find an Idahoan famous enough to promote the idea. Potato Frisbee tried to catch on, but the number of deaths from getting hit in the head with a seven pound potato, was just too high. Since the dawn of humanity, well since 1972 in Idaho, women have been running around in fields tossing potatoes while wearing combat boots and burlap sacks. See I told you I’d get around to their mothers. At some point it was discovered that if you put a helmet on a man, they’d be tough enough to play as well. So with the help of the women, Idaho football was born. It just wasn’t too far a jump from spudball to football. The helmets weren’t really to stop permanent brain damage, after getting whacked in the head with a huge potato, as much as to keep blood, slobber and sweat from getting on them. After all, after the game they were supper.
Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not saying bad things about Boise State, but what exactly are they teaching up there? I heard the Quarterback is majoring in finance and no one has the heart to tell him the potato has nothing to do with futures. Pork bellies are a commodity, but the potato is just a French fry. Idaho might be the only place to recruit cheerleaders from any state, but their own. I didn’t see them, but I heard the squad was a group older, Russian women, dressed in potato sacks and doing that dance, the one where you cross your arms in front of you and jump from one leg to another. I heard half the team tried to defect last night and the other half applied for political asylum. Do they make wedding rings out of potatoes in Idaho?
You might think this is sour grapes or spilt milk, but I’ve got bad news. This column was pretty much written before the game and was going to be this way regardless of its outcome. I’m really just horsing around, I know Boise State is a fine institution, for a pre-school and that if you look hard enough you’ll find a woman in Idaho who doesn’t strongly resemble or is related to, Mr. Potato head. It’s not my fault that the Bronco’s came to Atlanta to play the Dawgs, I didn’t invite them and so they’ll just have to put up with my funning on them. To sum it up, the Broncos are dust kickin, potato farmin, spud chuckin, dismally less talented than their mothers, football players.
Now for the important question I continue to ask myself. What does it take to become an announcer for Georgia? I can make fun of any team any time. I can wipe the sweat from the brow of any announcer during a tough game. I’ll do it, give me a shot, I can be used to annoy the other team and I’d be good at it. Just keep those cheerleaders away from me or give me hazardous duty pay.
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